Day Five
Today was the birthday of a new coworker. On our team, we bring cake on birthdays. The person who had the last birthday brings the next cake. I told my coworker last night that I am off sugar to gave her a head's up, so she would not feel like my not partaking was in some way personal. She understood, and enthusiastically said that she should also go completely off sugar. "Well, don't start on your birthday," I advised.
Normally, when I know I will be having birthday cake, I think about it all day long. I feel impatient for it to be served. Sometimes, I want another piece, although I don't often take or get one. In other words, it consumes a lot of my thoughts. But, last night, I told myself, "This is really just a five-minute problem." The singing "Happy Birthday" and the serving of the cake really only takes five minutes, and I can be prepared to decline. It doesn't have to be an all-day problem. It's just a shift in my thinking. Maybe everyone else has already made this shift and I am the only person obsessing over cake all day long, I don't know. But, after I realized it did not need to be a big problem--that I could keep it contained to just a momentary one, I felt freed. I had a plan. I would participate in the singing and well-wishing, and then I would politely decline a piece of cake and make it back to my desk in safety. No big deal.
When the moment actually came, I happened to be busy doing an intake. I told my coworkers to go ahead without me, and added that they did not need to save me a piece. Easy peasy. I thought it was painlessly over. I hadn't even laid eyes on the cake.
At the end of the day, a coworker started to bring a piece of the cake into my cubicle. Someone had saved me a piece. I told her quickly thank you, but I cannot have any. She seemed at a loss what to do with it. I suggested she give it to the birthday girl, or someone else. Anyone else. It seems unlikely that no one in a large office would eat a piece of cake. She said she was going to have to throw it away if I did not eat it. I don't know what her intentions were with this threat, but I said that it could be frozen or saved, or offered to anyone else. I don't know if it got thrown away or not. Not my problem.
My problem is keeping my mindset, having only one serving of what I eat, staying strong. Accomplishing my mission. That is where my focus is. So far, so good.
I didn't know where to fill in the square on my grid, so I started a mouth. I don't know what I will do once a face is filled in--maybe start a border around the outside. The point is, I have options.
At the gym this morning, I walked in the swimming pool for ninety minutes. At first, I was alone, which was nice. I started doing this for exercise when I hurt my knee twenty months ago. It was the only calorie-burning exercise I was allowed. My knee injury is partly to blame for my weight gain, although I have continued to do what I can. Eventually, I was able to add in small, gradually-increasing sessions on the elliptical, but I decided to keep walking in the pool on alternate days, because I realized it is good exercise for my core, and it's gentle as well and helps me with my back. I need surgery on my feet, too, and it is not as hard on them as other things are. I used to run between five and ten miles once a week, but that was becoming difficult, and then became impossible when I hurt my knee. Sometimes I think that if I had less weight to lug around, my knees and feet could handle running again. That's another thing I have to look forward to when I weigh less--trying to run and seeing what happens.
Almost an hour into my pool time, a man came in and swam in the lane next to me. He was soon followed by what seemed to be his girlfriend. She swam in the far lane, but I became concerned about her because, at the end of each lap, she would stop and cough violently into the water. This went on for over a half hour, until I got out.
Normally, when I know I will be having birthday cake, I think about it all day long. I feel impatient for it to be served. Sometimes, I want another piece, although I don't often take or get one. In other words, it consumes a lot of my thoughts. But, last night, I told myself, "This is really just a five-minute problem." The singing "Happy Birthday" and the serving of the cake really only takes five minutes, and I can be prepared to decline. It doesn't have to be an all-day problem. It's just a shift in my thinking. Maybe everyone else has already made this shift and I am the only person obsessing over cake all day long, I don't know. But, after I realized it did not need to be a big problem--that I could keep it contained to just a momentary one, I felt freed. I had a plan. I would participate in the singing and well-wishing, and then I would politely decline a piece of cake and make it back to my desk in safety. No big deal.
When the moment actually came, I happened to be busy doing an intake. I told my coworkers to go ahead without me, and added that they did not need to save me a piece. Easy peasy. I thought it was painlessly over. I hadn't even laid eyes on the cake.
At the end of the day, a coworker started to bring a piece of the cake into my cubicle. Someone had saved me a piece. I told her quickly thank you, but I cannot have any. She seemed at a loss what to do with it. I suggested she give it to the birthday girl, or someone else. Anyone else. It seems unlikely that no one in a large office would eat a piece of cake. She said she was going to have to throw it away if I did not eat it. I don't know what her intentions were with this threat, but I said that it could be frozen or saved, or offered to anyone else. I don't know if it got thrown away or not. Not my problem.
My problem is keeping my mindset, having only one serving of what I eat, staying strong. Accomplishing my mission. That is where my focus is. So far, so good.
I didn't know where to fill in the square on my grid, so I started a mouth. I don't know what I will do once a face is filled in--maybe start a border around the outside. The point is, I have options.
At the gym this morning, I walked in the swimming pool for ninety minutes. At first, I was alone, which was nice. I started doing this for exercise when I hurt my knee twenty months ago. It was the only calorie-burning exercise I was allowed. My knee injury is partly to blame for my weight gain, although I have continued to do what I can. Eventually, I was able to add in small, gradually-increasing sessions on the elliptical, but I decided to keep walking in the pool on alternate days, because I realized it is good exercise for my core, and it's gentle as well and helps me with my back. I need surgery on my feet, too, and it is not as hard on them as other things are. I used to run between five and ten miles once a week, but that was becoming difficult, and then became impossible when I hurt my knee. Sometimes I think that if I had less weight to lug around, my knees and feet could handle running again. That's another thing I have to look forward to when I weigh less--trying to run and seeing what happens.
Almost an hour into my pool time, a man came in and swam in the lane next to me. He was soon followed by what seemed to be his girlfriend. She swam in the far lane, but I became concerned about her because, at the end of each lap, she would stop and cough violently into the water. This went on for over a half hour, until I got out.
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