Day Eighteen

My plan to go to bed early last night and wake up early and ready for a tremendous workout did not work out.  The rest of the world did not get the memo and go to bed with me, so there were some interruptions.

I didn't sleep well.  My husband didn't sleep well.  He was in pain and eventually went out onto the couch in the hopes that I would be able to sleep.  I finally took another half sleeping pill around 3:00 a.m., and did not wake up in time to go to the gym.  So, now I am three days without working out, and my weight has crept back up to the 6.  I am discouraged and disappointed in myself.

I did do one thing in the night that did help me.  I blogged and then got brave and turned to Facebook to get some readers for my blog.  I had hoped that readers would magically appear, but that was unrealistic.  I mean, maybe they will, but we have to start somewhere.  So when I woke this morning, I had had some readers, and I had some lovely comments from friends.  I took a moment to read the beginning entries of my blog again (to make sure they were good reading), and was reminded that, at the start, I had had three days of no workouts, and things went fine.  IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

Still, I do not like feeling a little bit fatter again.  I will have to watch what I eat better.  I am still without sugar, but I have had some rolls and a few extra servings that I could have done without.  As I got into the shower with a dark mindset, I reminded myself, "This is the body you chose to have" through my choices.  It's kind of a reality check that I think I need.  I can make differences in my body through other choices.

I had one more small roll with butter with my eggs for breakfast.  They are almost gone, so this will be my last one.  These rolls are my mother's recipe, and they are delicious.  I can hardly be expected to completely deprive myself of them, I think.  I brought a salmon patty and the lentil soup I didn't eat yesterday for my lunch.  I have an apple.  I have seeds and nuts to snack on.  I am just going to hop right back on the yellow brick road and keep going.  I will go for a walk on my break.  I will do a good workout as soon as I can.

And, as silly as this sounds, I have been forgetting to track my progress on my little chart.  In fact, I had to dig through my desk to find that notebook this morning, and fill in six squares.  It looks much more filled in now.  I am about a sixth of the way through this project.  If I can quickly get back to where I was, I was more than a sixth of the way through the weight loss.  So I need to just keep going.  Which is good for me to recommit to, because yesterday's birthday girl is back in the office, and cake will be served in an hour.

I had some of my food in anticipation of the cake.  I went into the party with a handful of nuts.  I did what I could to be ready and strong.

The "cake" turned out to be three loaf-shaped Costco-looking tuxedo and tiramisu-type cakes.  I participated in the well wishes and said, "No, thank you" to the cake.  I got a little resistance, but was able to slip out.  I'll tell you what.  I would LIKE to be able to have some cake.  I want to have some of the cheesecake in the downstairs fridge.  I felt a little resentful that I am the one who cannot have these things as my team members carried their slices past me back to their desks.  It doesn't seem like it should be a big deal.

And, maybe for them, it isn't a big deal.  Maybe their metabolisms are better.  Maybe they don't have so much trouble stopping after one thing.  Maybe they are not expert chocolate chip cookie bakers and don't have so much to worry about.  Doesn't matter.  What matters is what I need to do.  And I need to get this weight off.  I am not competing against others, I am competing against myself.

BUT--I got my no-sugar dessert cookbook in the mail today.  I looked, and it has seventy-seven desserts in it.  Maybe I'll try them all.

I got wrapped up in a project this afternoon, which took my mind off of eating.  Being busy is definitely a good thing.

I went to congratulate my new manager, who asked some questions about what I am doing.  It feels weird to get people's congratulations when I know that I am not really doing well.  But I am still going.

Spinach salad is for dinner.  It will be rife with chicken breast and bacon, pecans and raspberries, sliced pear and cucumber.  It will be delicious, and healthy for me to eat.  I will encourage my family to finish the cheesecake.  I will have my sugar-free cocoa and go to bed.  And I will try to do a power workout in the morning.