Day Twelve
I was restless in the night and went to the couch. I wasn't awake enough to go to the gym and work out, just awake enough to do the five-star Sunday Sudoku until it put me back to sleep. It was cold in the living room, so I made myself a calorie-free peach tea to warm me up as I worked it.
I woke up again too late to go to the gym. I danced and did abs, while trying to get my children to get up, too. Between missing the gym workout and yesterday's hamburger, I was back up one pound.
My jacket felt a little bit looser as I put it on than it did last time I wore it.
I took potato salad and a tomato with me for lunch. Thanks to the potato salad, all the Easter eggs were finally gone, and I got to have two fried eggs for breakfast this morning. They were delicious. We had an office-wide staff meeting, which started as soon as I arrived at work. My neighbor at the table pointed out that there were treats. She had a half-eaten chocolate donut and a tangerine in front of her. How half-eaten donuts even exist in this world is beyond me. I mean, I could eat a half, followed by eating the other half. But, this woman's donut remained half there throughout the two-hour meeting. She's tiny--maybe a hundred pounds total, so that must be how she does it. I can't even understand this, which is probably why I am the way I am.
Anyway, when I could, I went to the treat table and selected a tangerine and a banana for myself. There were two or three boxes of donuts open, and I saw that they had come from one of the two best companies.
By the end of the meeting, I was suffering from needing a drink of water. One of my clients had come in and was waiting for me, so it was a while before I got that drink, and I felt myself start to struggle. Not so much because I've only completed eleven days and there are eighty-eight left. I think it is because we never have treats at staff meeting, and I feel bad to have missed out on a donut. If they were a regular thing, I could just look forward to the one in August. But they are not, and I missed out. Also, having to wait a long time to have my thirst need met may have played into it.
It's that scarcity thinking again. I need to assume, instead, that there is plenty for me to eat today, and there will be plenty of donuts in my future.
But I found myself thinking things like, "Why am I even doing this? These rules are self-imposed. It's not like I am going to fail a class or something if I don't do it. No one would even know." And I also caught myself thinking that, some time in the distant past, I think I went eleven weeks with no sugar without even getting to my goal weight. I think getting to day twelve without really struggling is great, but I don't want it to end here. I know this kind of thinking is what derails me. I know if I had a donut, I would feel very disappointed in myself for not keeping my promise. I know I would be very likely to throw in the towel and get into my Easter basket tonight. I know that, even if I behaved perfectly from here on out, I would still feel bad for not doing this perfectly. I am that much of a perfectionist, yes. So I started to plan what I would write down for today. Thus, I found myself actually turning to this blog for support. I have had enough water now, and, truly, I have been fed enough. I will keep going. Thanks for being here for me.
I am extremely hungry this afternoon. I am hoping this means tomorrow will see another drop in weight. If I don't go down from here, I will not have accomplished very much. I am honoring my hunger by eating small amounts of different seeds and nuts, and remembering that I brought a tomato to eat that I might have otherwise forgotten, and drinking plenty of water.
I woke up again too late to go to the gym. I danced and did abs, while trying to get my children to get up, too. Between missing the gym workout and yesterday's hamburger, I was back up one pound.
My jacket felt a little bit looser as I put it on than it did last time I wore it.
I took potato salad and a tomato with me for lunch. Thanks to the potato salad, all the Easter eggs were finally gone, and I got to have two fried eggs for breakfast this morning. They were delicious. We had an office-wide staff meeting, which started as soon as I arrived at work. My neighbor at the table pointed out that there were treats. She had a half-eaten chocolate donut and a tangerine in front of her. How half-eaten donuts even exist in this world is beyond me. I mean, I could eat a half, followed by eating the other half. But, this woman's donut remained half there throughout the two-hour meeting. She's tiny--maybe a hundred pounds total, so that must be how she does it. I can't even understand this, which is probably why I am the way I am.
Anyway, when I could, I went to the treat table and selected a tangerine and a banana for myself. There were two or three boxes of donuts open, and I saw that they had come from one of the two best companies.
By the end of the meeting, I was suffering from needing a drink of water. One of my clients had come in and was waiting for me, so it was a while before I got that drink, and I felt myself start to struggle. Not so much because I've only completed eleven days and there are eighty-eight left. I think it is because we never have treats at staff meeting, and I feel bad to have missed out on a donut. If they were a regular thing, I could just look forward to the one in August. But they are not, and I missed out. Also, having to wait a long time to have my thirst need met may have played into it.
It's that scarcity thinking again. I need to assume, instead, that there is plenty for me to eat today, and there will be plenty of donuts in my future.
But I found myself thinking things like, "Why am I even doing this? These rules are self-imposed. It's not like I am going to fail a class or something if I don't do it. No one would even know." And I also caught myself thinking that, some time in the distant past, I think I went eleven weeks with no sugar without even getting to my goal weight. I think getting to day twelve without really struggling is great, but I don't want it to end here. I know this kind of thinking is what derails me. I know if I had a donut, I would feel very disappointed in myself for not keeping my promise. I know I would be very likely to throw in the towel and get into my Easter basket tonight. I know that, even if I behaved perfectly from here on out, I would still feel bad for not doing this perfectly. I am that much of a perfectionist, yes. So I started to plan what I would write down for today. Thus, I found myself actually turning to this blog for support. I have had enough water now, and, truly, I have been fed enough. I will keep going. Thanks for being here for me.
I am extremely hungry this afternoon. I am hoping this means tomorrow will see another drop in weight. If I don't go down from here, I will not have accomplished very much. I am honoring my hunger by eating small amounts of different seeds and nuts, and remembering that I brought a tomato to eat that I might have otherwise forgotten, and drinking plenty of water.
Comments
Post a Comment