Day Seventy-Six
Today was a very emotional day for me, and I guess I am somewhat of an emotional eater, so it was a bit of a challenge. I felt a little bit bad that I could not have most of my children with me. My older daughter had agreed to come, but had declined to drive down last night and sleep here. She said she would meet us at the party. My grown son who had also said he would come ended up sleeping in. My out-of-town son was not in town with his family, and my younger children were with their dad.
It was the Fourth of July, and my brother always hosts a big breakfast at his place. Normally, I would eat whatever I wanted and call it okay because of the holiday. I did have to ease my fasting rules, as the breakfast started at eight-thirty. I guess, if I had been thinking, I could have maybe eaten at four-thirty last night and then called it quits. Or five-thirty, at least. I did eat dinner at five-forty, and then I did a little shopping and had my hot cocoa at seven-thirty. I didn't think about the length I would be fasting until I was having my cocoa. So my fasting was only thirteen hours long this morning. I told myself that was okay, due to the holiday. If I had waited until eleven-thirty or noon, the party would have been over.
I put on the navy and white-striped top I had bought last night in an extra-large to make sure it would go over my torso, and it was too big for me. I didn't like anything about it. The next was too droopy and didn't even make my neckline look good. I realized I would never like it even after losing weight, right after I had taken off the tag. I found a navy golf shirt that I had and wore that instead. My legs are almost back to normal. I actually have scooped-out thighs from my exercising. But my torso is definitely still way too rotund, because I have thirty-five pounds yet to lose.
We had volunteered to bring chocolate milk off the list of things to bring, so, of course, I could not have any of that, though, normally, I definitely would have! The other drink offerings were orange juice and water. Orange juice does not usually literally have sugar in it, and I thought about it for a second, but it does take a lot of oranges to make one glass of juice, and that is a lot of natural sugar without the fiber oranges naturally have, so I opted for water.
I had thought that I might bring my sugar-free syrup to have on my pancake, but I forgot to bring it. The pancakes looked really good, and, even though I couldn't have it the way I like it--with butter and syrup, I took one. I chose to take a blueberry one, even though I would not normally choose a blueberry one, because I reasoned that the blueberries would make it better for me. I forgot to put butter on it, and I ended up kind of just picking at it and eating most of it--when I got to it at the bottom of my plate.
I also recognized one brand of the Greek yogurt they had as a sugar-free kind I used to buy. I couldn't add the granola to it, though, but I did go to the fruit table and put a few blueberries, one strawberry, and a couple of grapes with it.
I took three slices of bacon, reasoning that at least I could eat the meat part of the breakfast, and two pieces of sausage, and a spoonful of eggs. It was too much. I had slipped back into thinking that I had better load up with what I was supposed to eat to prevent me from what I was not supposed to eat, but it really was more than I needed, and I got full halfway through. I also took some hash browns. I managed to eat two of my bacon slices and made myself finish my second sausage. I don't often throw away food, but I didn't quite finish my meal today. I was quite full and had my lunch--leftover whole wheat pasta salad--in the mid-afternoon. I finished up the day with one leftover cabbagy chipotle taco, which I also maybe didn't actually need. I did say no thank you to the chocolate candy that was passed around later in the party. And, though I usually serve ice cream cones during the fireworks, tonight it will only be Mark and I watching them together, and we do not need ice cream cones. I didn't even buy any.
A son that I have not seen for a long time showed up halfway through the party. I never wanted to be estranged from him, but I have allowed it because he wanted it. I wasn't sure whether approaching him would be welcome, but I decided to follow my heart and did. He allowed me to greet, awkwardly hug, and speak with him some. He brought his girlfriend, who was darling. I liked her. I wanted to shower him with love and invite him to more things and make sure I had his contact information, but I settled for just being present with him for most of the rest of the party, making small talk, telling him some things like that I am proud of him and that we speak highly of him, and not crowding him too much, I hope. I have had dreams from time to time that he has returned and allowed a reconciliation, and I was surprised how much this was actually like those dreams have been. There were no heart-to-heart talks, flowing tears, or deep conversations, but that was not the place for those. I introduced him to my new husband, and my daughter who was there talked with them, too. The hostess fussed over them, making sure they had food and drinks and engaging with them several times, for which I have proclaimed her a saint.
This was very emotional for me, though, and tears were shed on the way home. I felt very much like I needed to eat and eat to make up for the emotional energy I had expended. It was probably the most emotional thing that could have happened, and I learned a lot about myself in seeing how I reacted to it. I let myself have a spoonful of the sugar-free frosting that is still in the fridge, and then in a little while I let myself have a few of them. I am sort of disappointed in myself for needing to eat like that, but also have compassion on myself and think that I at least handled it without blowing my program--eating sugar.
My workout this morning was short. I did not sleep well last night and did not have a lot of time for it this morning. I started with all three sets of morning abs, then did two songs on the elliptical to one song weight-lifting. Very few people were at the gym this morning, even though I was not there terribly early. In all, I got through two sets of the weight-lifting routine I was doing, and did twenty-four total minutes on the elliptical. I hope to do better tomorrow. Still, I am glad I could do what I did. After missing two other workouts this week, I would have felt bad about myself if I had not done anything.
It was the Fourth of July, and my brother always hosts a big breakfast at his place. Normally, I would eat whatever I wanted and call it okay because of the holiday. I did have to ease my fasting rules, as the breakfast started at eight-thirty. I guess, if I had been thinking, I could have maybe eaten at four-thirty last night and then called it quits. Or five-thirty, at least. I did eat dinner at five-forty, and then I did a little shopping and had my hot cocoa at seven-thirty. I didn't think about the length I would be fasting until I was having my cocoa. So my fasting was only thirteen hours long this morning. I told myself that was okay, due to the holiday. If I had waited until eleven-thirty or noon, the party would have been over.
I put on the navy and white-striped top I had bought last night in an extra-large to make sure it would go over my torso, and it was too big for me. I didn't like anything about it. The next was too droopy and didn't even make my neckline look good. I realized I would never like it even after losing weight, right after I had taken off the tag. I found a navy golf shirt that I had and wore that instead. My legs are almost back to normal. I actually have scooped-out thighs from my exercising. But my torso is definitely still way too rotund, because I have thirty-five pounds yet to lose.
We had volunteered to bring chocolate milk off the list of things to bring, so, of course, I could not have any of that, though, normally, I definitely would have! The other drink offerings were orange juice and water. Orange juice does not usually literally have sugar in it, and I thought about it for a second, but it does take a lot of oranges to make one glass of juice, and that is a lot of natural sugar without the fiber oranges naturally have, so I opted for water.
I had thought that I might bring my sugar-free syrup to have on my pancake, but I forgot to bring it. The pancakes looked really good, and, even though I couldn't have it the way I like it--with butter and syrup, I took one. I chose to take a blueberry one, even though I would not normally choose a blueberry one, because I reasoned that the blueberries would make it better for me. I forgot to put butter on it, and I ended up kind of just picking at it and eating most of it--when I got to it at the bottom of my plate.
I also recognized one brand of the Greek yogurt they had as a sugar-free kind I used to buy. I couldn't add the granola to it, though, but I did go to the fruit table and put a few blueberries, one strawberry, and a couple of grapes with it.
I took three slices of bacon, reasoning that at least I could eat the meat part of the breakfast, and two pieces of sausage, and a spoonful of eggs. It was too much. I had slipped back into thinking that I had better load up with what I was supposed to eat to prevent me from what I was not supposed to eat, but it really was more than I needed, and I got full halfway through. I also took some hash browns. I managed to eat two of my bacon slices and made myself finish my second sausage. I don't often throw away food, but I didn't quite finish my meal today. I was quite full and had my lunch--leftover whole wheat pasta salad--in the mid-afternoon. I finished up the day with one leftover cabbagy chipotle taco, which I also maybe didn't actually need. I did say no thank you to the chocolate candy that was passed around later in the party. And, though I usually serve ice cream cones during the fireworks, tonight it will only be Mark and I watching them together, and we do not need ice cream cones. I didn't even buy any.
A son that I have not seen for a long time showed up halfway through the party. I never wanted to be estranged from him, but I have allowed it because he wanted it. I wasn't sure whether approaching him would be welcome, but I decided to follow my heart and did. He allowed me to greet, awkwardly hug, and speak with him some. He brought his girlfriend, who was darling. I liked her. I wanted to shower him with love and invite him to more things and make sure I had his contact information, but I settled for just being present with him for most of the rest of the party, making small talk, telling him some things like that I am proud of him and that we speak highly of him, and not crowding him too much, I hope. I have had dreams from time to time that he has returned and allowed a reconciliation, and I was surprised how much this was actually like those dreams have been. There were no heart-to-heart talks, flowing tears, or deep conversations, but that was not the place for those. I introduced him to my new husband, and my daughter who was there talked with them, too. The hostess fussed over them, making sure they had food and drinks and engaging with them several times, for which I have proclaimed her a saint.
This was very emotional for me, though, and tears were shed on the way home. I felt very much like I needed to eat and eat to make up for the emotional energy I had expended. It was probably the most emotional thing that could have happened, and I learned a lot about myself in seeing how I reacted to it. I let myself have a spoonful of the sugar-free frosting that is still in the fridge, and then in a little while I let myself have a few of them. I am sort of disappointed in myself for needing to eat like that, but also have compassion on myself and think that I at least handled it without blowing my program--eating sugar.
My workout this morning was short. I did not sleep well last night and did not have a lot of time for it this morning. I started with all three sets of morning abs, then did two songs on the elliptical to one song weight-lifting. Very few people were at the gym this morning, even though I was not there terribly early. In all, I got through two sets of the weight-lifting routine I was doing, and did twenty-four total minutes on the elliptical. I hope to do better tomorrow. Still, I am glad I could do what I did. After missing two other workouts this week, I would have felt bad about myself if I had not done anything.
Comments
Post a Comment